dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I love having hate sex.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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