I'm jealous of your bromance
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
