put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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