too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
