The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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