take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
