I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He has the fingertips of a God
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
