I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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