I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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