they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
