i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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