Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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