just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
