I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
