i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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