He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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