The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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