We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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