he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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