I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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