oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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