my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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