i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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