he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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