i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
