I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
