my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
