walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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