I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
