Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
