the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He better not be in your backpack
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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