You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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