Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
