Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
