Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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