It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
