Will you blow on my dice?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
