woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
