it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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