and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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