based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
