I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
