I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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