I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
