Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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