He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
