I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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