Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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