Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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