I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
