you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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