just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
