after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
