anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
