Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
