Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
