We won't sleep together?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
