I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
