So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
