I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
