So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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